Decoding Desire
Does it seem like your partner(s) seem to be able to get in the mood much more easily than you? Do you feel guilty for not wanting to be intimate as often as they do? Or, on the other hand, do you find yourself to be the one initiating sex more often? Are you ever left feeling disappointed when your attempts at foreplay are met with rejection? If any of these sounds like you, you’re not alone! Anecdotal evidence has shown me that a mismatch in levels of desire is one of the most common reasons people seek out couples therapy. Fortunately, desire is not fixed, which means that you and your partner(s) may be able to experience more alignment. The best place to start is to begin building an understanding of desire.
In pop culture, we usually see sexual desire represented in a binary way. There are people with high sex drives and people with low sex drives, and all kinds of messages about what it means to be in either of those groups. According to researcher and author of Come As You Are, Dr. Emily Nagoski, in reality, desire is much more nuanced than the way it’s often portrayed. To better understand this nuance, we can break down three common types of sexual desire: spontaneous, responsive, and contextual.
Spontaneous Desire
Have you or your partner ever felt turned on, seemingly out of nowhere? When you experience spontaneous desire, you’re “ready to go” with or without stimulation. This is the type of desire we usually see in the sex scenes of a movie, where people are caught up in the heat of the moment. According to Gigi Engle, certified sexologist, people who primarily experience spontaneous desire tend to be easily aroused. They may think about sex frequently or use it as a means to release stress. According to Dr. Emily Nagoski, this type of sexual desire is much more common in men. Dr. Nagoski notes that about 75% of people assigned male at birth experience spontaneous desire. However, only 15% of women experience this type of sexual desire. However, remember, all types and levels of desire are “normal”.
Responsive Desire
Responsive desire occurs “when mental interest in sex comes after external stimulus”, according to the Lover app. This type of desire might be inspired by physical touch, sexting, watching your partner undress, or listening to an erotic story. According to Dr. Emily Nagoski, 30% of women and 5% of men experience responsive desire. As mentioned before, desire can be nuanced, and people who are primarily responsive might experience periods of more seemingly spontaneous desire. A great example of this is at the beginning of a new relationship when you just can’t keep your hands off each other. What you may be experiencing during that period is actually called limerence. Eventually, as your nervous system acclimates to your new partner, you will likely return to your baseline level of desire, according to Gigi Engle. For responsive types, it’s worth considering that even if you aren’t in the mood, you might be surprised at how your desire can increase when you find small ways to engage sexually with yourself or your partner – without necessarily committing to having sex. Some examples includes:
Massage
Cuddling
Dirty Talk
Sexting
Exchanging Sultry Photos
Watching Pornography
Contextual Desire
Just like it sounds, contextual desire is based on context. Think of how your desire might fluctuate based on everything that’s going on in the background of your life. Desire could plummet when you’re carrying excessive work stress, your kids or pets are trying to get your attention, or you’re getting over a stomach bug. On the flip side, imagine how you might feel especially interested in sex on a romantic getaway with your partner, when you have not a care in the world. Also, remember that desire can fluctuate and shift over time.
There are numerous ways that you and your partner(s) can influence your context or setting to be more aligned with an environment that stimulates desires. Some examples include:
Take care of your basic needs so that you’re more primed to be within your window of tolerance:
Ensuring you get the appropriate amount of sleep, food, and water
Taking all medications as prescribed
Engaging in self-care activities
Make it a point to clear what stressors you can control before heading into the bedroom:
If you have children or pets, arrange for them to be either out of the house, or safely preoccupied so you can get of “parent-mode”
Let your boss know your work day ends at a specific time, even if you’re working from home
Have your groceries delivered if shopping is a hastle
Influence Your 5 Senses:
Sight: What kind of visual stimuli turns you on? Do you want the lights on or off? What about removing sight with a blindfold?
Smell: Light a candle, spritz some perfume, or perhaps you’d like to enjoy your partner’s natural scent.
Taste: Some people prefer recently brushed teeth, flavored lubricants, or au natural flavors.
Touch: What kind of materials or textures do you like? Consider what you and your partner(s) are wearing (or not wearing), the fabric of your sheets, different levels of pressure, etc.
Sound: Put on some music, engage in dirty talk, listen to the breath or heartbeat of your partner(s).
If you’re struggling to manage the stress and demands of day-to-day living, that certainly can negatively impact your desire. If you’re struggling, please consider speaking with a therapist.
“The problem isn’t the desire itself, it’s the context. You need more sexually relevant stimuli activating the accelerator and fewer things hitting the brake.”
The Accelerator-Break System
According to Dr. Emily Nagoski, we all have an “accelerator-brake system.” This helps us to understand what turns us on, and just as importantly, what turns us off. Accelerators are those activities and tools that help us lean into feelings of desire. Brakes are the obstacles to feeling good, such as unmet safety needs (housing, food, security), health problems or chronic illness, and/or stress related to work, parenting, etc. Click the link below to access Emily Nagoski's stress worksheet:
When we can find ways to increase our accelerators and ease our brakes, we can more fully experience desire. To increase your accelerators, think about subtle things you can add to your routine. Some examples include lighting candles, keeping a new sex toy out and ready to try, or asking your partner for a sexy picture. Loosen up with a couple’s massage or take a shower together if you can. Addressing your brakes might look like taking time off work when you’re burned out, making an effort to get more rest when you’re feeling exhausted, or getting your taxes filed when you’ve been putting it off. Removing these obstacles may not feel sexy, but it will create more space for you to be present to the full experience of desire. Seeking to deeper explore these dynamics? Click the link below to access Emily Nagoski's Turning Off the Offs Worksheet:
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Remember:
According to Vanessa Marin via Well + Good, “if you’re a spontaneous type, you feel the mental desire first, then the physical arousal second. If you’re a responsive type, you feel the physical arousal first, then the mental desire second". The point I want you to walk away with is whatever your primary desire type is, it’s not wrong or bad. Neither is your partner’s. As frustrating as it can be to experience a mismatch, learning how desire manifests for you and for your partner(s) can be healing and connective. And remember, your level of desire is not set in stone. By tapping into your accelerator-brake system, and fully understanding your partner’s system, you may create the opportunity for a more expansive and fulfilling sex life for both you and your partner(s).
This blog post was originally written by Noelle Benach, LCPC in 2022 for Space Between Counseling Services.
Meet the Author: Noelle Benach, LCPC, CST
Noelle Benach, LCPC, CST is an individual and relationship psychotherapist and AASECT certified sex therapist based in Baltimore, Maryland.
Noelle works with members of the LGBTQIA+ community, women and couples experiencing sexual health concerns, healthcare / self-care providers, college + masters level students, parents, and creatives. Noelle is trained in various couples work modalities including the Psychobiological Approach to Couple Therapy (PACT), Gottman, and Prepare/Enrich.
Interested in working together? Click the link below:
